The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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