I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
