I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?