Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza