sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires