her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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