tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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