I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
