drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
