I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
