Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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