I would go down on you faster than GM stock
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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