i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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