blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
