If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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