so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
