i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
