I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
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It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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