just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I have aggressive nipples.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
