I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
