Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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