Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
