I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
