I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize