I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
