Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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