does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
