does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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