My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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