omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
