After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
