I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Pooping to opera.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
