So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
