WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
