so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
