Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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