i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just pee around me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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