my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
