he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
