if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Randomize
