Ketchup is God's man juice
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
