She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
