ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
