I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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