I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
