What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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