oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
