sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
