He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
