His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
