Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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