my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
