Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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