Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
