so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
