never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
