bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
