My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
