he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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