Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
